Another long Wednesday, finally home and ate dinner. I got my test results last night, and I got an 82!!! I know. . . it’s not great but remember where I’m coming from. This is organic chemistry, which is supposed to be one of the toughest science courses needed. When I tried taking this class about 5 years ago, I dropped literally after the first day. So what keeps me motivated now is that for each class I make it through, for each week passing, I made it further than I did before. And being away from science after all these years, trying to re-learn things, an 82 isn’t so bad. Supposedly the next exam will be the toughest, but I feel so driven to do better. A part of it might be to prove the teacher wrong, because he certainly has his favorites in class. And though I know he doesn’t want students to fail, it’s almost as if he expects some to. I don’t want to prove him right, and so that’s another reason I want to make sure I at least get a B.
Everyone seems to be recovering in my family from whatever has plagued them, and now my sister and her family are moving out this week. It kind of caught us by surprise but, given the uncertainty to whether there will be arguments and things like that, I’m glad they are leaving. It sounds a bit mean, but it hasn’t been all sunshine since they’ve been here and I could use less stress in my life. Not that it’s keeping me down, but I’m beginning to notice how tired I am getting. In my labs these last two weeks, I feel completely lost at what I am doing. Obviously my posts on here have been slow, and I apologize for that. Sleep fluctuated depending on if my nephew was awake in the middle of the night. I’m trying my best to balance friends near and far, but finding time to talk to each has started to get difficult.
It’s like I’m at conflict between social-self and goal-self. Goal-me needs to focus on the projects I have before me, but social-me wants to enjoy life. I have yet to resume my app, which I’m disappointed in myself with, and my book ideas sit there and my memory to how I want to write them slips away. Whereas social-me misses hanging out with friends, calling them to see how they are. He wants to travel now(!) but can’t because of school and work. At times I wonder if maybe I should just get a full-time job so I can finally travel. But I keep reminding myself what it’s all for. Effort is one of the greatest gifts that is silent. I’m not doing this just for me; a few might be able to guess what I mean by that. But at times, a part of me wants to just move away to a small cottage home out in the country; only going to town when I need things. Somehow I’ll make money, and just travel. I don’t think many would choose to go along for such a life. “This is why Superman works alone.”
But with my sister and her family moving out, some peacefulness should set in again. Should. Class is supposed to get harder, but as far as i know I have no major events coming up. So I have time to study, if I don’t get too distracted. I now know where I am in this class; not failing but can improve. January brought a new chapter of readjustments, February was going with the flow, and with March approaching it feels like things are falling into place finally. I’m getting used to this field again, personal life isn’t hectic and perhaps friends can have more time again. Besides you fellow readers out there reading this, only a few local friends know I’m taking this class; more internationals know about it honestly. I don’t know if it’s culture, but it’s interesting my international friends keep up with my class, wishing me luck, while my local friends rarely ask. Are we that career-driven here that we don’t make time to just chat and see how we are doing? Maybe that’s why I always preferred the “family/friend-focused” values of places like Europe and South America. I’m not mad though but, as I go through this journey physically on my own, it can get tiring to see support at a distance. It’d be nice to have support right by my side.