Cracked Tiger’s Eye

So last night was my first volleyball game in years. I’m talking since maybe I was in middle school, so about 15 years since. I wasn’t extremely bad, but I wasn’t good either. I couldn’t serve to save my life, and I don’t know why. I was good as a child, and I’ll admit I thought I could easily shake off the rust. I was wrong. We won game 1, got blown out game 2, and lost a close game 3. Throughout I just kept thinking it was my fault, and that I let my teammates down; and myself.

I know, it’s just a intramural game meant mostly to have fun. And I did, but I also don’t like playing poorly and losing. After that game, it brought back old memories of me being bad at sports as a child. How I was always picked last in soccer, and told to play goalie because I was chubby and slow to be good. How in basketball I was never given the ball because I couldn’t dribble nor shoot well. It all came back to me last night and this morning. Confidence shaken, because volleyball was the one sport I was good at as a kid. I thought I was. . .

Much has changed since I was a child, yet the qualities sometimes show up. When I play sports with friends, I go easy on them physically because I don’t want to hurt them. I’m 6 feet tall, and used to weigh almost 240 lbs. Now I’m around 175 lbs, but I still know how to back people down in sports. I only play hard against people I don’t fully know, because in my mind how can I beat up on my friends? They always tell me it’s okay, but I know eventually when I play hard one of them will tell me to not take it so serious. I have the demeanor and personality of Tim Duncan, but the motivation and hustle like Kobe Bryant. I know what memories can fuel the aggression for me to channel, but right now it’s not working.

Truth is ever since the beginning of August, my eye of the tiger has been lost, and I don’t know exactly how to get it back. I’ve been trying, but last night brought me back to reality; I have a long way to go. I have an certification exam next month that I hardly study for. I have big assignments coming up for my only class. Trying my best to be there for friends. Hoping internship goes well these next few months. Still trying to move on from not getting closure a month ago. And thinking about what’s to come career-wise and possibly moving. I sometimes imagine a new life elsewhere already, in a brand new city with a new job; trying to meet new people. All the while, as mentioned in a previous post, I’m just taking a step back and enjoying life around me since I don’t know what will happen after I graduate. All of these things conflict with each other. I don’t know the destination, but I know how to get there if that makes sense. Truth is. . . if I am Rocky Balboa, I wish I had Adrian by my side right now.

I’ve always done things on my own since I was young. I had to climb out of my own holes, no matter how dark, because I had no one else to rely on. Even today the lone wolf tendencies still linger, because my “bros” aren’t the best for sympathy/empathy/nurturing. My female friends I don’t really talk to, because they are busy with their life, significant other, children, etc.. I’m in no rush for a relationship, but at times I wish I did have an Adrian Balboa. Someone who can light that inner fire; supportive yet not afraid to say harsh realities. Someone who wants to join in on the adventure, because going on your own for so long can bring what I dislike: complacency. But that is still decades away, so in the meantime I am on my own and need to pick myself up again. Practice over the weekend, and get back on track in other things as well. As Apollo Creed once said, “there is no tomorrow”, only what we do today. And today, I need to keep trying and find that eye of the tiger again. . .


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